Eric Gisin
2009-10-05 02:15:44 UTC
http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2009/07/virginamericans-vow-fight-against-capandtrades-blood-sacrifice-amendment.html
[image] Virgin sacrifice amendment: sports trivia experts, Trekkies, medieval re-enacters fear
worst
WASHINGTON - The President's landmark 'Cap and Trade' bill faces an uncertain fate this week, as
congressional backers of the carbon-limiting legislation face mounting opposition from a myriad of
interest groups angered by its controversial ritual virgin sacrifice provision.
"We are asking our members to send a strong message to Washington that this bill is wrong for
America's energy future, and wrong for the virgin community," said Bret 'Aslan' Crawford, a
spokesman for the Action Figure Collectors of America. "Power virgins, activate!"
The 87,492 page bill -- official designated as the American Patriotic Renewal Act of 2009 for
Carbon Reduction, Energy Independence, Heathy Climate, Sustainable Job Growth, Adorable Puppies,
and Earthly Paradise -- is a keystone in President Obama's first year legislative agenda, and was
originally anticipated to get swift congressional passage. Instead, it faced a unexpectedly tough
vote in the House last week after coal state Democrats complained it would place an unfair economic
burden on their home districts.
"I am as interested in reversing global climate change as anyone, but I fail to see how increasing
taxes and random machete attacks on Ohio coal producers alone will solve the problem," said Marcy
Kaptur (D-OH). "Come on people, there are plenty of other industries who deserve machete attacks
too."
In order to secure the votes of wavering Democrats, House leaders Nancy Pelosi and Henry Waxman
inserted several last minute amendments to the legislation, including provisions for national
oxygen rationing, witch burnings, dousings, and phrenology research. But the one that has seemingly
stoked a grassroots backlash is the controversial Sexually Inexperienced Citizen Environmental
Volunteer Amendment. The wording of the amendment calls for all American virgins over the age of 21
to register with the Selective Sacrifice Board, for possible use as victims in nationally televised
vivisections intended to "supplicate the Earth-Spirits."
Reaction, in some quarters, was swift and harsh. Robert 'Shadowfyre' Jardocki of the Wizard and
Warlocks Guild called it "an affront to all Virtual America, from Second Life to World of
Warcraft," and vowed his group would cast the "most powerful lobbying spell the country has ever
seen." Denise 'Lady Gwynnethynn' Kelly of the American Society of Renaissance Faire Royalty decried
it as "a unconstitutional attack on our members and their ladies in-waiting." The National
Association of Space Fantasists made an impassioned "call to light sabers," while the Brotherhood
of Sports Bar Regulars vowed a "million replica jersey march" on Washington to stop its passage.
Other groups uniting to oppose the bill include MENSA, the Society for the Identification of Motion
Picture Continuity Problems, and the American Association of Anonymous Comment Thread Trolls.
"Congress and the Administration really stirred up a hornet's nest of virgins with this bill," said
longtime Washington-watcher Michael Barone. "The response really caught them flat-footed. I don't
think they realized just how adept the virgin community is at computers, and how much time they
have between ComiCons or SpaceCons or whatever-cons. Instead of calling into sports radio shows,
now they're calling the capitol switchboard."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) defended the bill, saying that "it is critical that we do
something immediately to show we are serious about solving this climate crisis. Without burnt
offerings of taxes and virgins, Gaia will smite us all in her angry burning wrath. So let me just
say to the corporate and virgin special interest groups -- don't come crying to us in 400 years,
when our temperatures are up almost 1 degree celsius."
Pelosi denied the bill was anti-consumer, pointing out it contains specific infrastructure and job
creation funds. It specifies 500,000 unionized positions to construct a planned 300-foot tall
National Eco Pyramid and Virgin Sacrifice Altar in Youngstown, Ohio, as well as funds to train over
20,000 youth volunteer earth-priests in live beating heart removal.
House Energy Committee Chair Henry Waxman (D-CA) defended the bill's controversial 'virgin
exclusions' rider, which specifies sacrificial exemptions for certain religious orders, members of
Congress, and Keith Olbermann.
"The rider simply recognizes that virgin members of Congress are often so busy doing the work of
the people that we have little opportunity for actual sexual intercourse," said Waxman. "For
example, were I not focusing on this crucial legislation, I would totally be porking some sexy,
sexy ladies. No, really, I'm serious. I would be. Stop laughing."
Bill co-sponsor Edward Markey (D-MA) said that even if enacted into law, the bill allows a 9 month
grace period for current virgins to change their sacrifice eligibility status.
"Easy for him to say," complained Kevin Warren, a 34-year old Green Bay Packer fanatic from Fon du
Lac, Wisconsin. "You try getting laid with a foam rubber cheese hat, green face paint and Favre
jersey."
Whether Warren and other Virgin-Americans have the clout to scuttle the bill remains to be seen. It
is scheduled for Senate deliberations as soon as the House Sergeant-at-Arms can locate a crane
powerful enough to move the entire document to the Senate chamber. If passed there, it is expected
to be quickly signed into law by President Obama.
Presidential spokesman Robert Gibbs, himself a well-known virgin, sought to allay fears about the
bill.
"Look, I know this bill has been the subject of wild rumors and speculation, but let's all just sit
back and see how it plays out," said Gibbs. "The bottom line is that the virgin community has
nothing to worry about. Believe me, if this thing passes, I promise everybody's going to get
screwed."
[image] Virgin sacrifice amendment: sports trivia experts, Trekkies, medieval re-enacters fear
worst
WASHINGTON - The President's landmark 'Cap and Trade' bill faces an uncertain fate this week, as
congressional backers of the carbon-limiting legislation face mounting opposition from a myriad of
interest groups angered by its controversial ritual virgin sacrifice provision.
"We are asking our members to send a strong message to Washington that this bill is wrong for
America's energy future, and wrong for the virgin community," said Bret 'Aslan' Crawford, a
spokesman for the Action Figure Collectors of America. "Power virgins, activate!"
The 87,492 page bill -- official designated as the American Patriotic Renewal Act of 2009 for
Carbon Reduction, Energy Independence, Heathy Climate, Sustainable Job Growth, Adorable Puppies,
and Earthly Paradise -- is a keystone in President Obama's first year legislative agenda, and was
originally anticipated to get swift congressional passage. Instead, it faced a unexpectedly tough
vote in the House last week after coal state Democrats complained it would place an unfair economic
burden on their home districts.
"I am as interested in reversing global climate change as anyone, but I fail to see how increasing
taxes and random machete attacks on Ohio coal producers alone will solve the problem," said Marcy
Kaptur (D-OH). "Come on people, there are plenty of other industries who deserve machete attacks
too."
In order to secure the votes of wavering Democrats, House leaders Nancy Pelosi and Henry Waxman
inserted several last minute amendments to the legislation, including provisions for national
oxygen rationing, witch burnings, dousings, and phrenology research. But the one that has seemingly
stoked a grassroots backlash is the controversial Sexually Inexperienced Citizen Environmental
Volunteer Amendment. The wording of the amendment calls for all American virgins over the age of 21
to register with the Selective Sacrifice Board, for possible use as victims in nationally televised
vivisections intended to "supplicate the Earth-Spirits."
Reaction, in some quarters, was swift and harsh. Robert 'Shadowfyre' Jardocki of the Wizard and
Warlocks Guild called it "an affront to all Virtual America, from Second Life to World of
Warcraft," and vowed his group would cast the "most powerful lobbying spell the country has ever
seen." Denise 'Lady Gwynnethynn' Kelly of the American Society of Renaissance Faire Royalty decried
it as "a unconstitutional attack on our members and their ladies in-waiting." The National
Association of Space Fantasists made an impassioned "call to light sabers," while the Brotherhood
of Sports Bar Regulars vowed a "million replica jersey march" on Washington to stop its passage.
Other groups uniting to oppose the bill include MENSA, the Society for the Identification of Motion
Picture Continuity Problems, and the American Association of Anonymous Comment Thread Trolls.
"Congress and the Administration really stirred up a hornet's nest of virgins with this bill," said
longtime Washington-watcher Michael Barone. "The response really caught them flat-footed. I don't
think they realized just how adept the virgin community is at computers, and how much time they
have between ComiCons or SpaceCons or whatever-cons. Instead of calling into sports radio shows,
now they're calling the capitol switchboard."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) defended the bill, saying that "it is critical that we do
something immediately to show we are serious about solving this climate crisis. Without burnt
offerings of taxes and virgins, Gaia will smite us all in her angry burning wrath. So let me just
say to the corporate and virgin special interest groups -- don't come crying to us in 400 years,
when our temperatures are up almost 1 degree celsius."
Pelosi denied the bill was anti-consumer, pointing out it contains specific infrastructure and job
creation funds. It specifies 500,000 unionized positions to construct a planned 300-foot tall
National Eco Pyramid and Virgin Sacrifice Altar in Youngstown, Ohio, as well as funds to train over
20,000 youth volunteer earth-priests in live beating heart removal.
House Energy Committee Chair Henry Waxman (D-CA) defended the bill's controversial 'virgin
exclusions' rider, which specifies sacrificial exemptions for certain religious orders, members of
Congress, and Keith Olbermann.
"The rider simply recognizes that virgin members of Congress are often so busy doing the work of
the people that we have little opportunity for actual sexual intercourse," said Waxman. "For
example, were I not focusing on this crucial legislation, I would totally be porking some sexy,
sexy ladies. No, really, I'm serious. I would be. Stop laughing."
Bill co-sponsor Edward Markey (D-MA) said that even if enacted into law, the bill allows a 9 month
grace period for current virgins to change their sacrifice eligibility status.
"Easy for him to say," complained Kevin Warren, a 34-year old Green Bay Packer fanatic from Fon du
Lac, Wisconsin. "You try getting laid with a foam rubber cheese hat, green face paint and Favre
jersey."
Whether Warren and other Virgin-Americans have the clout to scuttle the bill remains to be seen. It
is scheduled for Senate deliberations as soon as the House Sergeant-at-Arms can locate a crane
powerful enough to move the entire document to the Senate chamber. If passed there, it is expected
to be quickly signed into law by President Obama.
Presidential spokesman Robert Gibbs, himself a well-known virgin, sought to allay fears about the
bill.
"Look, I know this bill has been the subject of wild rumors and speculation, but let's all just sit
back and see how it plays out," said Gibbs. "The bottom line is that the virgin community has
nothing to worry about. Believe me, if this thing passes, I promise everybody's going to get
screwed."