Starcade
2010-01-05 09:31:38 UTC
2010 New Year's Challenge
Medium Challenge: “Public Enemy #1 – AGAIN”
Team: From Kaleido Star: Mia Gillem, Anna Heart, and Yuri Killian
from “Kaleido Star”, and the author, me, Michael Falkner
It was a decent Friday morning, when I saw the flash in a “secret
spot” that I had picked out.
Mia: “There he is! Good to see you again!!”
Though they had just been in Riverside about a week ago or so to pick
the teams, it was always good to see the spritely Mia and the comedic
Anna.
Me: “Yeah!! Great to see you too!”
Anna: “How you feeling?”
Me: “A bit under the weather – that whole fight in London had me
shook up...”
Yuri: “Can't say I blame you for that one...”
Me: “Hello, Yuri. Good to see you back with us for another year.”
Yuri: “Wouldn't miss it for anything.”
Mia: “So, what's up?”
Me: “Not sure... This is another of those things they didn't give me
a Summons for, in any event. So, while we wait, let's go get
something to eat...”
So we went to a local restaurant which had a television set and began
to sit down and eat.
The television, predictably, was tuned in to one of the mainstream
news media, which broke in with a Special Report...
“This is a Special Report. President Obama will be addressing the
nation on a matter of vital national security importance...”
I rolled my eyes. “The 'American Idol President', Mr. Change We Can't
Believe In, Mr. Cult of Personality.... He needs more camera time to
con the sheep into believing that he's actually working for them and
not AGAINST them.”
Yuri: “I know. Our President seems to be the same way, as he's
trying to eminent domain the entire Kaleido Stage complex right out
from under the owners. He probably wants to make it 'Camp Obama' or
something...”
Anna: “The guy needs a good whoopie cushion to the butt...”
Me: “You'd never get close enough, unless you were an aspiring
reality show freak.”
Mia: “You had that too... Ugh...”
Just then, the next table told us to shush as “our President”, whom we
must respect, took the stage.
Obama: “My fellow Americans... I come to you at a time of great
national peril...”
At this point, I thought he was talking about the Panties Bomber and
new restrictions on who can travel by air...
Obama: “Our terrorist opponents are trying to manipulate us again
through the media, and, I, for one, will not stand for it!”
I could only whisper: “Yeah, our terrorist opponents: AIG, the
medical insurance companies, and the rest of the corporations who want
the poor dead, and will not stop until 'the camps' are open.”
The speech continued.
Obama: “On the screen right now is a Japanese representation of
something called 'manga', with a political representation of me eating
the entire planet Earth with a dollar sign on my stomach.”
“Now, I'm not that fat, and I will not stand for misrepresentations
and slanders of my efforts to save our economy, and our people...”
Me: “Yeah, for only with misrepresentations and slanders are you able
to keep this entire country from falling into riot, in case you didn't
check...”
I was quieted by everyone in the restaurant, including my team. I was
even threatened with expulsion from the building, so I shut up and
began to get real pissed off.
The speech continued further...
Obama: “I have also been alerted by our FBI that a significant amount
of child pornography is being disseminated to the United States, and
is being spread to our youth and young adults through 'anime',
Japanese animation...”
Me: “Gee, he's finally got one right.” That probably stopped me from
trying to break the television.
Mia: “I know, Sora has told us there's been some real disgusting
stuff coming out from her homeland in the last year or so.”
Me: “I actually just read, in a blog, about a show where the main
character is a middle-schooler who wears sexy lingerie and tries to
convince the other girls to wear it too. Another one, which got
licensed here in the States, is a 'pantsu' anime starring 10 year-olds
in their fucking underwear!”
“If that isn't child porn, I don't know what is...”
Yuri: “I know that some of our footage has gotten out, and that our
ladies can wear slinky stuff from time to time...”
Me: “But the youngest any of them (other than Rosetta, who they're a
little more careful with) was about 15 or 16... I don't know what...”
The murmurs on (and toward) the television had stopped. Obama
continued.
Obama: “I have also received reports that these 'anime' fans engage
in convention events at which no one is safe, not even the guests...”
Me: “If this is the challenge, count me out – because they badly need
to restrict anime and anime fandom in this country. I'd support this
whole-heartedly! I was at a convention where two prominent female
performers were sexually assaulted by a man, and a third was
threatened with same by a 16 year-old girl!”
I got a small 'shush' this time... Mia and Anna repulsed. Obama
steeled himself to make the announcement.
Obama: “After consultation with my national security team, I have, by
executive order, banned all instances of anime and manga from the
United States, effective immediately. Anyone involved in the sale,
distribution, or consumption of the products is ordered to terminate
same immediately. I have referred the Department of Homeland Security
and other relevant organizations to police this strictly. Violations
will be dealt with with the strictest penalties under the Patriot
Act.”
Mia: “So anime and manga fans are now considered terrorists?”
Me: “Mia, many of them (at least speaking colloquially) are. So I
welcome at least a temporary restriction.”
The speech concluded.
Obama: “There are terrorists out there who wish to defame our good
name and defile our children...”
At which point the speech was halted by a Secret Service agent running
onto the stage and consulting with Obama, handing him a sheet of paper
with information.
I got an uneasy feeling and called for the check, which was quickly
brought (the restaurant was glad to see the back of me) while the
situation with the speech had now become a huddle...
Just as I paid the check (with cash – I don't trust the money I have
to be held in our banks for very long), Yuri asked me a question...
Yuri: “You once told me you could be pretty good at spotting
trouble... Is this the Challenge coming up?”
Me: “I think it is...”
Just then, the huddle broke, and Obama retook the microphone.
Obama: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been informed of an
incident in the state of California. There are people, our agents
have learned, who have been 'summoning' some of these 'anime'
characters to deal with various purported incidents which come up from
time to time.”
“Under our former President Bush, we have been made aware of dangerous
'summoning devices' that these dangerous characters have been brought
here with, by terrorists and terrorist organizations who wish to
undermine our social order.”
Me (already halfway out the door, sotto-voce): “If not for us, you
impertinent twit, there would BE no 'social order'. What do you think
we did in Los Angeles, you fucking idiot?”
Obama: “This is a mock model of one of the 'summoning devices'.
Anyone caught with one of these is to be considered a terrorist of the
highest order, for they could literally summon purported 'deities' and
'demigods' which could wreak immediate havoc on the Earth.”
And, then, I saw a blast out of my past...
Me: “This is a 1998 media file photo of the owner of one of these
'summoning devices', which was activated today in California. He is
considered dangerous, a past international criminal, and a threat to
open society. The file photo was taken as part of a 'perp walk' for
what might well be considered a terrorist act today. We are gaining
information on this gentleman as we speak...”
And that's the last I heard of the speech. It was time to go
underground.
We got into Yuri's car, with only one question on Yuri's mind as we
went away.
Yuri: “That was you?”
Me: “From the New York post, May 24, 1998. Page Two. I was the
'Beast' to her 'Beauty'.”
Anna: “How could you do that?”
Me: “It's a long story we don't have time for now. I think we have
our Challenge.”
Mia: “Yeah, to get you out of the country.”
Anna: “I still want to know...”
Yuri interrupted: “I'd say there's little exaggeration to that, Mia.”
I shook my head.
Me: “They'll shoot all of you if we make a run for the border. The
best we can do is put me in to hiding and hope someone snaps to their
senses. Of course, knowing Mr. Cult of Personality, I'll probably be
dead soon anyway...”
“Or chained to the ceiling while my bones break, I'm repeatedly
waterboarded and raped, and loud rock music blared into my ears...”
“Believe me, if it were possible, I'd gladly leave this piece of shit
of a nation. No problems there.”
Mia: “But they just said on the radio that the search for you would
be taken up with the aid of the UN, so we can only hide. We can't
really run.”
Me: “But I've been named Public Enemy #1 – basically, again...”
Yuri: “So you're used to this.”
Me: “In more ways than you might imagine, Yuri. First, we need you
to rent an RV. I'm going to have to basically 'disappear' until this
blows over.”
It was done, and, soon after, we were on the road to nowhere.
Me: “We have several advantages here.”
“First, I don't summon teams with arsenals of weapons in their pants,
or enough magical wherewithal to level entire cities...”
“Second, the last official photo I had taken of me was sometime in
2006. They would really only have three pictures of me to work off of
(one from them, the one you saw on television, and my driver's license
photo from 2005), and there's a good chance we can at least alter my
appearance somewhat.”
“Third, I'm not sure, at the moment, that they are after you. Just
me. So if they can't identify me...”
Yuri: “But you know that can't go on forever.”
Me: “You're right. But, the longer we can go, the more we can
hope... Basically, consider this a bonding experience for the four of
us.”
Mia hugged me. That's what she wanted to hear.
Anna soon joined in.
Yuri, at the moment, was driving, but you could tell he was happy.
Yuri: “Consider it a vacation of sorts. Even though you do realize
that the RV will be all but a prison cell for you.”
Mia: “He's right. If we can't get you out to stretch your legs and
the like...”
Anna: “How we going to do that?”
I had thought of something I had wanted to do.
Me: “Anna, remember when Sora cut Layla's hair in New York?”
Anna: “Yeah...”
Me: “Well, as you may have noticed, mine is getting more than a touch
out of control. Why don't we just cut mine off completely...”
Anna: “You serious?”
Me: “You want me identifiable to some of these people who would shoot
me first, THEN bring in the body?”
Mia: “He's got a point, Anna.”
Yuri: “Who do you want to do it, then?
Me: “No offense, Yuri, but can I have the ladies do it?”
Mia and Anna smiled.
Me: “No tricks, Anna...”
Anna: “Got it.”
So they set off to work.
Anna and Mia worked exquisitely, and weren't afraid to add a couple of
womanly touches to the entire affair, and, within about an hour, I was
shaved clean bald.
Me: “OK, now we have to make sure we get rid of it, because we can't
have any evidence that I'm on this RV, in case we start getting
followed.”
So, at that point, the hair was carefully placed into a plastic bag
and removed and put into the trash.
At that, and the purchase of a small cap for me, we were off again.
I soon fell asleep in one of the beds...
I was woken by a hand on my back.
I was startled, until I realized it was Mia.
Me: “Sorry, but you guys are going to have to put up with this. You
probably are harboring the world's greatest terrorist.”
Mia: “Don't you know it. Glenn Beck was heard on the radio, saying
that you were the one who set up the whole contraption in Los Angeles,
to level the city, starting at LA Live.”
I could only think: “What can I say? He's a kook and a liar.”
Anna had cooked me dinner in the RV's kitchen. She quickly set a
small table in front of me and set the plate (one of the few home-
cooked meals I've had in years...).
Anna: “They just announced that they seized your apartment and killed
your roommate.”
Me: “I expected both. I'm surprised it took them this long to get it
done.”
“I'm sad, but there really wasn't much room in this world for my
roommate anyway. It was time for her to go.”
Yuri came back. We had stopped.
Yuri: “We're at an RV park about 40 miles off the Interstate, just
into Arizona. We're here for the night, so if you guys need to get
our international fugitive some exercise, now would be a good time.”
“I'm really sorry about what happened...”
Me: “My roommate's soulmate, and the spirit in which she held her
life, left us about 18 months ago. I'm surprised she lasted this
long.”
So we went out for a walk, with the understanding that we were not to
get too close to anyone else, or stray too far from our vehicle.
Anna: “You never explained...”
Me: “It's a long story, really. A lot of people in her fanbase saw
me as Public Enemy #1 anyway...”
Mia: “So you are used to being a pariah, then...”
Me: “I'm, frankly, surprised I already haven't been declared a
terrorist. There are certainly some places I'd like to test that
theory... If only in my time...”
Anna: “Let's not and say we did.”
Both the girls noticed my “mechanical stumble”, and decided to lay me
down and engage in some of the “team stretches” they used at Kaleido
Stage to stretch my legs out. My legs may be strong, and able to
handle a lot of walking, but not very agile.
With some small talk, we headed back to the RV, took our sleeping
positions, and went to bed.
That was until sunrise on “Day Two”, when four words got me up like a
gun-shot...
Yuri: “We gotta roll, guys!!”
That got me up quickly.
Yuri: “Mia, your turn to drive! I'll explain. Stay back there, the
rest of you!!”
Mia quickly took the wheel of the RV and got us back onto the road.
Yuri: “They may have spotted where we threw away the rest of your
hair. They said they had found a sample of hair at an RV park in
California where we were at that may have matched yours.”
“So what the Hell do we do now?”
Me: “To get a conclusive match might take them at least 48 hours.”
Anna: “I just heard the radio – they're taking it for testing now.”
Me: “So we may have to change RV's. Did you get this for a round-
trip?”
Yuri: “No, a national chain where we can return them anywhere. But
the problem with that is they might be able to match samples to fibers
in here, and we gain nothing by it.”
Anna: “So we're going to have to keep going. Any ideas on where we
should go?”
Mia (from the driver's seat): “Or where we should avoid?”
Me: “On the latter, you guys might have a good idea where a lot of
the more militant 'America, Fuck Yeah!' types are. We stay out of
there, because of the fact that, if they find us, they'll blow the RV
to bits, with us in it.”
Anna: “And tap dance on our graves.”
Me: “Exactly.”
Yuri: “So what do you have in mind?”
Me: “I would think San Francisco, but the problems with that is
there's a lot of rain forecast the next little while, and we'd have to
blend in with the homeless community...”
Mia: “Can't do that. That'd get you attention from the police...”
Me: “If they can't defend enough of the city to quarantine the Hate
Plague...”
Anna: “Still can't chance it – they might bring in the Feds if you
are seen in town.”
Yuri: “Yeah. I think the best place is right in this RV, and hope
for the best...”
Me: “And hope they can't match it up, not only with the hair to me,
but to the RV as well.”
So, with that, we were off. I was certainly worried, but it's not
like I didn't think this day would eventually come anyway.
We basically stayed mobile for the next couple of days.
The next real news came on the fourth day.
Me: “Checkmate.”
Anna: “Good to see you finally learning some chess...”
Me: “They always felt I had the brain for it, just never the
patience.”
Anna: “I know. That's why I thought we'd get something to get your
mind off that whole situation out there...”
Just at that point:
Yuri (while driving): “They got a match. They know he was at the RV
park we were at in Arizona on the first night.”
One of my better moves was to get the crew to drive north – I figured
there'd be a Border Patrol on us if we went any further into Arizona.
They used Las Vegas to stock up, while we still could.
Now, we basically had one final stock-up near Kansas City. We didn't
want to go TOO FAR north, knowing the weather could be an issue, but
we had to get away from any unexpected searches.
With that, we were off again. The crew had told me that basically
there was more than one “Dead or Alive” petition on the Internet,
basically offering anything that the Net could offer to have me
finally offed and done in, once and for all.
Couldn't blame the bastards, really.
Mia: “This might destroy you, even if they do find it to be a
mistake.”
Me: “Maybe. But it does make me wonder, as I often do, why I didn't
do something terrorist earlier in my life...”
Anna: “Don't say that, Michael...”
Me: “Well, you guys saw what I can be capable of...”
Mia: “And we're here to lead you out of the darkness a bit so that
does not happen.”
Anna: “I heard they've actually raised $50,000 for the first person
who kills you and... I don't know how to say this...”
Me: “Cuts it off??”
Anna nodded.
Me: “You have to understand that I am one of the most hated people on
the Internet. I am essentially banned from a number of gatherings,
and almost every board of major interest in anime, MMO gaming, and
some sports.”
Mia: “Yeah, but this??”
Me: “I've always said that if they believed I was a troll, there's
only two ways to get rid of one: Jail them, or kill them outright.
They've already done the first.”
Yuri: “You know, I wish you wouldn't be like that, but I understand
why you are.”
Me: “I mean, I love you guys. This has always been really fun.”
Anna: “I'm glad. But what are we going to do now?”
Me: “What we've been doing the last several days. We're just going
to have to be very judicious as to where I stretch my legs or clean
the RV out and the like...”
Mia: “We'll do that. But, Michael...”
She took my one hand. Anna took the other...
Mia: “Promise us you'll be safe...”
Me: “I can make no such promise.”
Just then, nightmare...
Yuri: “Oh no... I'm being pulled over.”
There were two problems with this. If they decided to search the RV,
they'd find me. If they “ran his name”, chances are they wouldn't
find him, and that would probably provoke the former, on top of other
problems.
But he could only pull over. If he drove off, that would tip us off
too.
So he pulled over, with the two ladies with me in the back.
After about ten tense minutes where no one said anything in the back,
he produced his license, and, thank the kamis, somehow they ran his
name and found no criminal record, asked no further questions, and
required he pull in to the nearest courthouse to pay a speeding
ticket.
He did so, and the two girls became very close companions.
They wanted to search the RV, figuring Yuri was probably on something
which would be contraband, and reason to jail him.
He ordered them find a search warrant for said search, and they said
they didn't need one.
He said they did, and called for their supervisor.
After some sharp words (and more than one: “Do you know who I am?”
from both directions), we were expelled from the county. Yuri Killian
was no longer allowed to remain in this county, which was fine by him.
He quickly got in, angrily drove off, and no one noticed that one
middle finger was sticking up through the window until we hit the
county line – or when Anna slapped my hand down to keep me out of
sight.
We sighed.
Anna: “That was close...”
Me: “Yeah. Fuckers...”
Mia: “You really have to be more careful, you know...”
Me: “You think I have any respect for law enforcement in this
country? I'm stunned they didn't search this thing anyway, and that
might've well forced the issue to begin with!”
Anna: “You have to settle down. Sun's going down – let's find a
place to park this thing for the night, get a couple quarts of oil in
it, and go from there...”
We did just that. Thankfully, that night and the next two days, as we
continued to head in a crazy-quilt pattern over the Interstate system,
nothing happened.
On the seventh day, we hit Albany, and were all but certain we were
going to have to turn around, when we noticed something...
We were being chased by a civilian car with California plates. A gun
was sticking out the window, and was going to take down the RV,
occupants dead or alive.
Me: “Some son-of-a-bitch has discovered us!”
Mia: “But how? Anna, get the radio on. Yuri, drive like you have
to!!”
Anna found the CNN Update at the top of the hour, and confirmed that
we had been discovered, and that Obama was about to address the nation
again!
Now the police cars were after somebody in our party too, as all Hell
was unceremoniously breaking loose on the seventh day!
Anna: “You realize, we've been found out...”
Me: “Well, if nothing else, it's been nice knowing you guys...”
Mia: “Don't say that.”
Me: “I'm sorry. We can only run as long as we have fuel. And these
bastards probably think we're the worst terrorists in the world...”
At that point, a gunshot rang out.
Followed quickly by three more.
We were so intent on not getting hit that we didn't realize for the
longest time that the three secondary gunshots were not at us!!
The car chasing us pulled off and we pulled to the side ourselves, as
guns were drawn, the police vs. the chasers...
“Whaddya mean?? That's the fucking terrorist Obama's been after...”
“Shut up! He rescinded it this morning after Japan declared trade war
on us!!”
“Fuck you! We're taking this guy out for 75 grand on the fucking
Net...”
“You'll never live long enough to collect!”
They didn't care, and they didn't survive the exchange of gunfire.
We all hunkered down and waited.
Three long minutes later, we came up out after the gunfire had
subsided and a police officer was tapping on our window...
“It IS him!!! I thought I recognized that face from when he was in
Rikers...”
Me: “GILROY???”
Yep, C.O. Gilroy, who gave me no end of Deborah Gibson beef...
Gilroy: “Hey, Falkner... Well, this time, you were one of the good
guys. They basically forced Obama to his senses on the whole
terrorist thing by declaring trade war with the United States.
Hopefully, a few weeks of that will keep Obama in some check...”
Yuri: “One can hope, but there's a lot of money on our friend's
head...”
Gilroy: “And a safehouse you and your friends can use for a couple
weeks. I hear you have other such 'friends'...”
To wit Mia produced the machine...
Me: “WHAT??? If they found us with that....”
Mia: “Wouldn't have mattered anyway – and, as far as the restriction
goes, you were already like you had T-bone steak around your neck...”
I nodded and hugged Mia (which Anna quickly joined in...)
Me: “Good point.”
(END OF STORY – NOTES FOLLOW)
Kind of an interesting story. Actually easier, for me and my
particular team, than the Easy Challenge for 2010 – if, for no other
reason, I have to do some research as to those wacky hunters before I
let the hilarity ensue.
That said, I had several things working to my advantage:
First, I don't have that many official pictures floating around out
there of me. Most anime fans probably wish that weren't the case, so
they could have me known to all the con chairs and local police. That
said, the three I talked about were about the only three I know of.
Second, my team selection makes them blend in to society in general
quite easily. I can see why you would make this a Medium Challenge
with a team like the one I've seen of “We Like Guns” or a couple of
magical girls or something to that effect. A team of three gymnasts,
one of which a writer and another a businessman, would be a lot easier
to meld into normal society than most other selected teams.
(Almost the problems I have with the Hard Challenges, in reverse!)
Third, Constitutional Law is still in force. If Martial Law had been
declared, this would've been much harder. Roadblocks, military, what
have you.
So, basically load up in an RV for an open-ended road trip, and
basically write in a couple close calls to make it look like
something.
(Oh, and the kamis remade the apartment and the roommate, and
eliminated all memory of the situation, except my roommate chalked it
up as another massive nightmare. Conservation of storyline and all.)
Medium Challenge: “Public Enemy #1 – AGAIN”
Team: From Kaleido Star: Mia Gillem, Anna Heart, and Yuri Killian
from “Kaleido Star”, and the author, me, Michael Falkner
It was a decent Friday morning, when I saw the flash in a “secret
spot” that I had picked out.
Mia: “There he is! Good to see you again!!”
Though they had just been in Riverside about a week ago or so to pick
the teams, it was always good to see the spritely Mia and the comedic
Anna.
Me: “Yeah!! Great to see you too!”
Anna: “How you feeling?”
Me: “A bit under the weather – that whole fight in London had me
shook up...”
Yuri: “Can't say I blame you for that one...”
Me: “Hello, Yuri. Good to see you back with us for another year.”
Yuri: “Wouldn't miss it for anything.”
Mia: “So, what's up?”
Me: “Not sure... This is another of those things they didn't give me
a Summons for, in any event. So, while we wait, let's go get
something to eat...”
So we went to a local restaurant which had a television set and began
to sit down and eat.
The television, predictably, was tuned in to one of the mainstream
news media, which broke in with a Special Report...
“This is a Special Report. President Obama will be addressing the
nation on a matter of vital national security importance...”
I rolled my eyes. “The 'American Idol President', Mr. Change We Can't
Believe In, Mr. Cult of Personality.... He needs more camera time to
con the sheep into believing that he's actually working for them and
not AGAINST them.”
Yuri: “I know. Our President seems to be the same way, as he's
trying to eminent domain the entire Kaleido Stage complex right out
from under the owners. He probably wants to make it 'Camp Obama' or
something...”
Anna: “The guy needs a good whoopie cushion to the butt...”
Me: “You'd never get close enough, unless you were an aspiring
reality show freak.”
Mia: “You had that too... Ugh...”
Just then, the next table told us to shush as “our President”, whom we
must respect, took the stage.
Obama: “My fellow Americans... I come to you at a time of great
national peril...”
At this point, I thought he was talking about the Panties Bomber and
new restrictions on who can travel by air...
Obama: “Our terrorist opponents are trying to manipulate us again
through the media, and, I, for one, will not stand for it!”
I could only whisper: “Yeah, our terrorist opponents: AIG, the
medical insurance companies, and the rest of the corporations who want
the poor dead, and will not stop until 'the camps' are open.”
The speech continued.
Obama: “On the screen right now is a Japanese representation of
something called 'manga', with a political representation of me eating
the entire planet Earth with a dollar sign on my stomach.”
“Now, I'm not that fat, and I will not stand for misrepresentations
and slanders of my efforts to save our economy, and our people...”
Me: “Yeah, for only with misrepresentations and slanders are you able
to keep this entire country from falling into riot, in case you didn't
check...”
I was quieted by everyone in the restaurant, including my team. I was
even threatened with expulsion from the building, so I shut up and
began to get real pissed off.
The speech continued further...
Obama: “I have also been alerted by our FBI that a significant amount
of child pornography is being disseminated to the United States, and
is being spread to our youth and young adults through 'anime',
Japanese animation...”
Me: “Gee, he's finally got one right.” That probably stopped me from
trying to break the television.
Mia: “I know, Sora has told us there's been some real disgusting
stuff coming out from her homeland in the last year or so.”
Me: “I actually just read, in a blog, about a show where the main
character is a middle-schooler who wears sexy lingerie and tries to
convince the other girls to wear it too. Another one, which got
licensed here in the States, is a 'pantsu' anime starring 10 year-olds
in their fucking underwear!”
“If that isn't child porn, I don't know what is...”
Yuri: “I know that some of our footage has gotten out, and that our
ladies can wear slinky stuff from time to time...”
Me: “But the youngest any of them (other than Rosetta, who they're a
little more careful with) was about 15 or 16... I don't know what...”
The murmurs on (and toward) the television had stopped. Obama
continued.
Obama: “I have also received reports that these 'anime' fans engage
in convention events at which no one is safe, not even the guests...”
Me: “If this is the challenge, count me out – because they badly need
to restrict anime and anime fandom in this country. I'd support this
whole-heartedly! I was at a convention where two prominent female
performers were sexually assaulted by a man, and a third was
threatened with same by a 16 year-old girl!”
I got a small 'shush' this time... Mia and Anna repulsed. Obama
steeled himself to make the announcement.
Obama: “After consultation with my national security team, I have, by
executive order, banned all instances of anime and manga from the
United States, effective immediately. Anyone involved in the sale,
distribution, or consumption of the products is ordered to terminate
same immediately. I have referred the Department of Homeland Security
and other relevant organizations to police this strictly. Violations
will be dealt with with the strictest penalties under the Patriot
Act.”
Mia: “So anime and manga fans are now considered terrorists?”
Me: “Mia, many of them (at least speaking colloquially) are. So I
welcome at least a temporary restriction.”
The speech concluded.
Obama: “There are terrorists out there who wish to defame our good
name and defile our children...”
At which point the speech was halted by a Secret Service agent running
onto the stage and consulting with Obama, handing him a sheet of paper
with information.
I got an uneasy feeling and called for the check, which was quickly
brought (the restaurant was glad to see the back of me) while the
situation with the speech had now become a huddle...
Just as I paid the check (with cash – I don't trust the money I have
to be held in our banks for very long), Yuri asked me a question...
Yuri: “You once told me you could be pretty good at spotting
trouble... Is this the Challenge coming up?”
Me: “I think it is...”
Just then, the huddle broke, and Obama retook the microphone.
Obama: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been informed of an
incident in the state of California. There are people, our agents
have learned, who have been 'summoning' some of these 'anime'
characters to deal with various purported incidents which come up from
time to time.”
“Under our former President Bush, we have been made aware of dangerous
'summoning devices' that these dangerous characters have been brought
here with, by terrorists and terrorist organizations who wish to
undermine our social order.”
Me (already halfway out the door, sotto-voce): “If not for us, you
impertinent twit, there would BE no 'social order'. What do you think
we did in Los Angeles, you fucking idiot?”
Obama: “This is a mock model of one of the 'summoning devices'.
Anyone caught with one of these is to be considered a terrorist of the
highest order, for they could literally summon purported 'deities' and
'demigods' which could wreak immediate havoc on the Earth.”
And, then, I saw a blast out of my past...
Me: “This is a 1998 media file photo of the owner of one of these
'summoning devices', which was activated today in California. He is
considered dangerous, a past international criminal, and a threat to
open society. The file photo was taken as part of a 'perp walk' for
what might well be considered a terrorist act today. We are gaining
information on this gentleman as we speak...”
And that's the last I heard of the speech. It was time to go
underground.
We got into Yuri's car, with only one question on Yuri's mind as we
went away.
Yuri: “That was you?”
Me: “From the New York post, May 24, 1998. Page Two. I was the
'Beast' to her 'Beauty'.”
Anna: “How could you do that?”
Me: “It's a long story we don't have time for now. I think we have
our Challenge.”
Mia: “Yeah, to get you out of the country.”
Anna: “I still want to know...”
Yuri interrupted: “I'd say there's little exaggeration to that, Mia.”
I shook my head.
Me: “They'll shoot all of you if we make a run for the border. The
best we can do is put me in to hiding and hope someone snaps to their
senses. Of course, knowing Mr. Cult of Personality, I'll probably be
dead soon anyway...”
“Or chained to the ceiling while my bones break, I'm repeatedly
waterboarded and raped, and loud rock music blared into my ears...”
“Believe me, if it were possible, I'd gladly leave this piece of shit
of a nation. No problems there.”
Mia: “But they just said on the radio that the search for you would
be taken up with the aid of the UN, so we can only hide. We can't
really run.”
Me: “But I've been named Public Enemy #1 – basically, again...”
Yuri: “So you're used to this.”
Me: “In more ways than you might imagine, Yuri. First, we need you
to rent an RV. I'm going to have to basically 'disappear' until this
blows over.”
It was done, and, soon after, we were on the road to nowhere.
Me: “We have several advantages here.”
“First, I don't summon teams with arsenals of weapons in their pants,
or enough magical wherewithal to level entire cities...”
“Second, the last official photo I had taken of me was sometime in
2006. They would really only have three pictures of me to work off of
(one from them, the one you saw on television, and my driver's license
photo from 2005), and there's a good chance we can at least alter my
appearance somewhat.”
“Third, I'm not sure, at the moment, that they are after you. Just
me. So if they can't identify me...”
Yuri: “But you know that can't go on forever.”
Me: “You're right. But, the longer we can go, the more we can
hope... Basically, consider this a bonding experience for the four of
us.”
Mia hugged me. That's what she wanted to hear.
Anna soon joined in.
Yuri, at the moment, was driving, but you could tell he was happy.
Yuri: “Consider it a vacation of sorts. Even though you do realize
that the RV will be all but a prison cell for you.”
Mia: “He's right. If we can't get you out to stretch your legs and
the like...”
Anna: “How we going to do that?”
I had thought of something I had wanted to do.
Me: “Anna, remember when Sora cut Layla's hair in New York?”
Anna: “Yeah...”
Me: “Well, as you may have noticed, mine is getting more than a touch
out of control. Why don't we just cut mine off completely...”
Anna: “You serious?”
Me: “You want me identifiable to some of these people who would shoot
me first, THEN bring in the body?”
Mia: “He's got a point, Anna.”
Yuri: “Who do you want to do it, then?
Me: “No offense, Yuri, but can I have the ladies do it?”
Mia and Anna smiled.
Me: “No tricks, Anna...”
Anna: “Got it.”
So they set off to work.
Anna and Mia worked exquisitely, and weren't afraid to add a couple of
womanly touches to the entire affair, and, within about an hour, I was
shaved clean bald.
Me: “OK, now we have to make sure we get rid of it, because we can't
have any evidence that I'm on this RV, in case we start getting
followed.”
So, at that point, the hair was carefully placed into a plastic bag
and removed and put into the trash.
At that, and the purchase of a small cap for me, we were off again.
I soon fell asleep in one of the beds...
I was woken by a hand on my back.
I was startled, until I realized it was Mia.
Me: “Sorry, but you guys are going to have to put up with this. You
probably are harboring the world's greatest terrorist.”
Mia: “Don't you know it. Glenn Beck was heard on the radio, saying
that you were the one who set up the whole contraption in Los Angeles,
to level the city, starting at LA Live.”
I could only think: “What can I say? He's a kook and a liar.”
Anna had cooked me dinner in the RV's kitchen. She quickly set a
small table in front of me and set the plate (one of the few home-
cooked meals I've had in years...).
Anna: “They just announced that they seized your apartment and killed
your roommate.”
Me: “I expected both. I'm surprised it took them this long to get it
done.”
“I'm sad, but there really wasn't much room in this world for my
roommate anyway. It was time for her to go.”
Yuri came back. We had stopped.
Yuri: “We're at an RV park about 40 miles off the Interstate, just
into Arizona. We're here for the night, so if you guys need to get
our international fugitive some exercise, now would be a good time.”
“I'm really sorry about what happened...”
Me: “My roommate's soulmate, and the spirit in which she held her
life, left us about 18 months ago. I'm surprised she lasted this
long.”
So we went out for a walk, with the understanding that we were not to
get too close to anyone else, or stray too far from our vehicle.
Anna: “You never explained...”
Me: “It's a long story, really. A lot of people in her fanbase saw
me as Public Enemy #1 anyway...”
Mia: “So you are used to being a pariah, then...”
Me: “I'm, frankly, surprised I already haven't been declared a
terrorist. There are certainly some places I'd like to test that
theory... If only in my time...”
Anna: “Let's not and say we did.”
Both the girls noticed my “mechanical stumble”, and decided to lay me
down and engage in some of the “team stretches” they used at Kaleido
Stage to stretch my legs out. My legs may be strong, and able to
handle a lot of walking, but not very agile.
With some small talk, we headed back to the RV, took our sleeping
positions, and went to bed.
That was until sunrise on “Day Two”, when four words got me up like a
gun-shot...
Yuri: “We gotta roll, guys!!”
That got me up quickly.
Yuri: “Mia, your turn to drive! I'll explain. Stay back there, the
rest of you!!”
Mia quickly took the wheel of the RV and got us back onto the road.
Yuri: “They may have spotted where we threw away the rest of your
hair. They said they had found a sample of hair at an RV park in
California where we were at that may have matched yours.”
“So what the Hell do we do now?”
Me: “To get a conclusive match might take them at least 48 hours.”
Anna: “I just heard the radio – they're taking it for testing now.”
Me: “So we may have to change RV's. Did you get this for a round-
trip?”
Yuri: “No, a national chain where we can return them anywhere. But
the problem with that is they might be able to match samples to fibers
in here, and we gain nothing by it.”
Anna: “So we're going to have to keep going. Any ideas on where we
should go?”
Mia (from the driver's seat): “Or where we should avoid?”
Me: “On the latter, you guys might have a good idea where a lot of
the more militant 'America, Fuck Yeah!' types are. We stay out of
there, because of the fact that, if they find us, they'll blow the RV
to bits, with us in it.”
Anna: “And tap dance on our graves.”
Me: “Exactly.”
Yuri: “So what do you have in mind?”
Me: “I would think San Francisco, but the problems with that is
there's a lot of rain forecast the next little while, and we'd have to
blend in with the homeless community...”
Mia: “Can't do that. That'd get you attention from the police...”
Me: “If they can't defend enough of the city to quarantine the Hate
Plague...”
Anna: “Still can't chance it – they might bring in the Feds if you
are seen in town.”
Yuri: “Yeah. I think the best place is right in this RV, and hope
for the best...”
Me: “And hope they can't match it up, not only with the hair to me,
but to the RV as well.”
So, with that, we were off. I was certainly worried, but it's not
like I didn't think this day would eventually come anyway.
We basically stayed mobile for the next couple of days.
The next real news came on the fourth day.
Me: “Checkmate.”
Anna: “Good to see you finally learning some chess...”
Me: “They always felt I had the brain for it, just never the
patience.”
Anna: “I know. That's why I thought we'd get something to get your
mind off that whole situation out there...”
Just at that point:
Yuri (while driving): “They got a match. They know he was at the RV
park we were at in Arizona on the first night.”
One of my better moves was to get the crew to drive north – I figured
there'd be a Border Patrol on us if we went any further into Arizona.
They used Las Vegas to stock up, while we still could.
Now, we basically had one final stock-up near Kansas City. We didn't
want to go TOO FAR north, knowing the weather could be an issue, but
we had to get away from any unexpected searches.
With that, we were off again. The crew had told me that basically
there was more than one “Dead or Alive” petition on the Internet,
basically offering anything that the Net could offer to have me
finally offed and done in, once and for all.
Couldn't blame the bastards, really.
Mia: “This might destroy you, even if they do find it to be a
mistake.”
Me: “Maybe. But it does make me wonder, as I often do, why I didn't
do something terrorist earlier in my life...”
Anna: “Don't say that, Michael...”
Me: “Well, you guys saw what I can be capable of...”
Mia: “And we're here to lead you out of the darkness a bit so that
does not happen.”
Anna: “I heard they've actually raised $50,000 for the first person
who kills you and... I don't know how to say this...”
Me: “Cuts it off??”
Anna nodded.
Me: “You have to understand that I am one of the most hated people on
the Internet. I am essentially banned from a number of gatherings,
and almost every board of major interest in anime, MMO gaming, and
some sports.”
Mia: “Yeah, but this??”
Me: “I've always said that if they believed I was a troll, there's
only two ways to get rid of one: Jail them, or kill them outright.
They've already done the first.”
Yuri: “You know, I wish you wouldn't be like that, but I understand
why you are.”
Me: “I mean, I love you guys. This has always been really fun.”
Anna: “I'm glad. But what are we going to do now?”
Me: “What we've been doing the last several days. We're just going
to have to be very judicious as to where I stretch my legs or clean
the RV out and the like...”
Mia: “We'll do that. But, Michael...”
She took my one hand. Anna took the other...
Mia: “Promise us you'll be safe...”
Me: “I can make no such promise.”
Just then, nightmare...
Yuri: “Oh no... I'm being pulled over.”
There were two problems with this. If they decided to search the RV,
they'd find me. If they “ran his name”, chances are they wouldn't
find him, and that would probably provoke the former, on top of other
problems.
But he could only pull over. If he drove off, that would tip us off
too.
So he pulled over, with the two ladies with me in the back.
After about ten tense minutes where no one said anything in the back,
he produced his license, and, thank the kamis, somehow they ran his
name and found no criminal record, asked no further questions, and
required he pull in to the nearest courthouse to pay a speeding
ticket.
He did so, and the two girls became very close companions.
They wanted to search the RV, figuring Yuri was probably on something
which would be contraband, and reason to jail him.
He ordered them find a search warrant for said search, and they said
they didn't need one.
He said they did, and called for their supervisor.
After some sharp words (and more than one: “Do you know who I am?”
from both directions), we were expelled from the county. Yuri Killian
was no longer allowed to remain in this county, which was fine by him.
He quickly got in, angrily drove off, and no one noticed that one
middle finger was sticking up through the window until we hit the
county line – or when Anna slapped my hand down to keep me out of
sight.
We sighed.
Anna: “That was close...”
Me: “Yeah. Fuckers...”
Mia: “You really have to be more careful, you know...”
Me: “You think I have any respect for law enforcement in this
country? I'm stunned they didn't search this thing anyway, and that
might've well forced the issue to begin with!”
Anna: “You have to settle down. Sun's going down – let's find a
place to park this thing for the night, get a couple quarts of oil in
it, and go from there...”
We did just that. Thankfully, that night and the next two days, as we
continued to head in a crazy-quilt pattern over the Interstate system,
nothing happened.
On the seventh day, we hit Albany, and were all but certain we were
going to have to turn around, when we noticed something...
We were being chased by a civilian car with California plates. A gun
was sticking out the window, and was going to take down the RV,
occupants dead or alive.
Me: “Some son-of-a-bitch has discovered us!”
Mia: “But how? Anna, get the radio on. Yuri, drive like you have
to!!”
Anna found the CNN Update at the top of the hour, and confirmed that
we had been discovered, and that Obama was about to address the nation
again!
Now the police cars were after somebody in our party too, as all Hell
was unceremoniously breaking loose on the seventh day!
Anna: “You realize, we've been found out...”
Me: “Well, if nothing else, it's been nice knowing you guys...”
Mia: “Don't say that.”
Me: “I'm sorry. We can only run as long as we have fuel. And these
bastards probably think we're the worst terrorists in the world...”
At that point, a gunshot rang out.
Followed quickly by three more.
We were so intent on not getting hit that we didn't realize for the
longest time that the three secondary gunshots were not at us!!
The car chasing us pulled off and we pulled to the side ourselves, as
guns were drawn, the police vs. the chasers...
“Whaddya mean?? That's the fucking terrorist Obama's been after...”
“Shut up! He rescinded it this morning after Japan declared trade war
on us!!”
“Fuck you! We're taking this guy out for 75 grand on the fucking
Net...”
“You'll never live long enough to collect!”
They didn't care, and they didn't survive the exchange of gunfire.
We all hunkered down and waited.
Three long minutes later, we came up out after the gunfire had
subsided and a police officer was tapping on our window...
“It IS him!!! I thought I recognized that face from when he was in
Rikers...”
Me: “GILROY???”
Yep, C.O. Gilroy, who gave me no end of Deborah Gibson beef...
Gilroy: “Hey, Falkner... Well, this time, you were one of the good
guys. They basically forced Obama to his senses on the whole
terrorist thing by declaring trade war with the United States.
Hopefully, a few weeks of that will keep Obama in some check...”
Yuri: “One can hope, but there's a lot of money on our friend's
head...”
Gilroy: “And a safehouse you and your friends can use for a couple
weeks. I hear you have other such 'friends'...”
To wit Mia produced the machine...
Me: “WHAT??? If they found us with that....”
Mia: “Wouldn't have mattered anyway – and, as far as the restriction
goes, you were already like you had T-bone steak around your neck...”
I nodded and hugged Mia (which Anna quickly joined in...)
Me: “Good point.”
(END OF STORY – NOTES FOLLOW)
Kind of an interesting story. Actually easier, for me and my
particular team, than the Easy Challenge for 2010 – if, for no other
reason, I have to do some research as to those wacky hunters before I
let the hilarity ensue.
That said, I had several things working to my advantage:
First, I don't have that many official pictures floating around out
there of me. Most anime fans probably wish that weren't the case, so
they could have me known to all the con chairs and local police. That
said, the three I talked about were about the only three I know of.
Second, my team selection makes them blend in to society in general
quite easily. I can see why you would make this a Medium Challenge
with a team like the one I've seen of “We Like Guns” or a couple of
magical girls or something to that effect. A team of three gymnasts,
one of which a writer and another a businessman, would be a lot easier
to meld into normal society than most other selected teams.
(Almost the problems I have with the Hard Challenges, in reverse!)
Third, Constitutional Law is still in force. If Martial Law had been
declared, this would've been much harder. Roadblocks, military, what
have you.
So, basically load up in an RV for an open-ended road trip, and
basically write in a couple close calls to make it look like
something.
(Oh, and the kamis remade the apartment and the roommate, and
eliminated all memory of the situation, except my roommate chalked it
up as another massive nightmare. Conservation of storyline and all.)